Swinging Lifestyle Organisations
Some lifestyle activities are highly organized. There are at least 400 swingers clubs in the USA and over 600 in Europe. Most major cities in North America and western Europe have at least one swing club in a permanent location although they often keep a low profile to avoid negative attention. swingers also meet through lifestyle magazines, personal ads, swinging house parties, and the Internet.
Clubs are typically divided into "on-premise" clubs, where sexual activity may happen then and there at the club, and "off-premise" clubs where sexual activity is not allowed at the club, but may be arranged at a near-by location.
In North America swingers clubs have a body called NASCA (North American Swing Club Association) that organises membership exchanges, conventions and group holidays. No such body exists in Europe. However swingers from all over the continent congregate in July and August in the nudist town of Cap d'Agde in the South of France where there are around 8 swinger clubs. Cap D'Agde has a population of 30,000 at the height of the season.
To many couples, the lifestyle and the clubs can be at least as much a social venue as a sexual one.
In the USA, many off-premise clubs follow a bar or nightclub format, sometimes renting an entire existing bar for scheduled events. This often relegates these activities to suburbia, where bars in large industrial parks which attract a mainstream clientele during weekdays would otherwise sit empty or closed on weekends when offices shut down.
In Europe off-premises clubs are rare. There are three standard formats: the bar/nightclub, usually smaller, in city centres and focussed around a dance floor; the spa format which has pools, jacuzzis, saunas and steam rooms and where people strip on entry; and the country club format, which is out-of-town, usually serves a free buffet and may include elements of the first two as well as offering large play spaces.
History
According to Terry Gould's The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers, swinging began among U.S. Air Force pilots and their wives during World War II.
Scientific research into swinging has been conducted in the USA since the late 1960s. It has consistently found that swingers have better pair-bonds than monogamous couples. The most recent and most thorough study, based on an Internet questionnaire addressed to visitors of lifestyle-related sites, found swingers are happier in their relationships than the norm. 60% of swingers said that swinging improved their relationship and only 1.7% said it made their relationship less happy. Half of those who rated their relationship very happy before becoming swingers maintained it had become even happier. 90% of those with less happy relationships said swinging improved them. Almost 70% of swingers claimed no problem with controlling jealousy, around a quarter admitted "I have difficulty controlling jealousy when swinging" to be somewhat true but only 6% said this was "Yes, Very Much" true. swingers rate themselves happier (59% against 32% very happy) and their lives much more exciting (76% against 54% exciting) than does the rest of the population, by surprisingly large margins. There was no difference between the responses of men and women, although more males (70%) than females completed the survey. (Bergstrand & Williams, Today's Alternative Marriage Styles: The Case of swingers , Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Vol.3, 10 October 2000 http://www.ejhs.org/volume3/swing/body.htm). However it should be noted that this study may be biased in terms of its sample (i.e. potentially those swinging couples who had stronger relationships would be motivated to complete the questionnaire, or alternatively the stress that swinging may place on a marriage means that only those with higher the average levels of commitment to their partners are able to remain married whilst swinging).
Due to the risks of jealousy, swingers most often prefer the lifestyle be something to be used as an enhancement to an already-stable relationship. In the words of one in the lifestyle:
"if the marriage is in need of repair, I wouldn't suggest this is the time to explore swinging."—http://www.happyhedonist.com/index.php?name=PNphpBB2&file=viewtopic&t=5456
Few major public health concerns are associated with swingers according to lifestyle advocates. Condom use between new partners is strictly enforced by many swingers clubs. In addition, a minority of swingers rely on STD testing to select for partners less likely to have different STD's than they themselves have. A substantial portion of swingers focus on massage and other activities that are unlikely to transmit those STD's that are most difficult to treat.
Etiquette
Some swingers consider the Lifestyle to be a distinct subculture.
The 'prime directive' in swinging is "No means no". This signifies that rejection of a sexual proposal does not require justification and must always be respected. Violation of the ground rules can occasion immediate expulsion. Other hard and fast rules at many swing clubs include the use of condoms and changing condoms between partners.
In the U.S. it is often regarded as impolite to touch without asking, whereas in Europe including the UK both touching and gently but firmly removing a touching hand are widely regarded as polite non-verbal communication in the playroom context.
Subgroups
Urban swingers
Traditionally swinger clubs have been accepting of all ages and body types. 'Urban swinging' began with Fever Parties in London in the late 1990s and involves affluent metropolitan young people, discrimination on the basis on looks and an upper age limit usually around 40. Urban swinging events include mostly childless, unmarried young graduates and can have average ages as low as the late twenties, whereas ordinary or 'suburban' swingers events tend to have average ages in the 40s. Urban swinging subsequently spread to Manchester (UK), Norway, South Africa and Sweden and the USA.
The critique of urban swinging among traditional swingers is that it is unethical to discriminate. For example the North American Swing Club Association (NASCA) does not accept into membership clubs which are not open to all and some couples may advertise themselves as "not Ken and Barbie" as an implicit rejection of what they perceive to be a superficial ideal of youthful physical attractiveness.
The proponents of urban swinging claim an entitlement to peer-group options in this as in other leisure pursuits.
Bisexuals
Female bisexuality is extremely common and tends to be the norm amongst participants.
Male bisexuality is less common and depending on the club may either be frowned upon, or openly accepted. Generally the community however is comfortable around bisexual men though will chose not to engage in sexual activity with them or with their partners. Clubs for gay or lesbian couples, where available, operate quite separately from the broader swinging community.
Where bisexuals are included, motives are often incompatible with those of other bi-positive groups. Many members of the polyamorous community differentiate themselves from the swinger lifestyle by putting a greater emphasis on long-term relationships and sites such as http://groups.yahoo.com/group/bi-polyamory-ottawa/ will indicate that the "poly group is NOT a contact organization for swingers ". The organised gay community also attempts to be tolerant of bisexuality to some degree, but a heterosexual male trying to fulfill a fantasy of having two women would be out-of-place in the lesbian community. Claiming to be "female seeks female" where a "couple seeks female" categorisation is more appropriate may also draw negative reactions. Some bisexual groups within the organised gay/lesbian community, such as http://www.pinktriangle.org/pts_site/Eng/obwdg.html, therefore limit their membership to women only.
Singles
While some swing clubs have no place for single males, many but not all would readily admit single females - often at a reduced admission price.
While there is a stereotype that sex is what women have and men want, the reality is that many single women have sexual desires that they satisfy at swing clubs.
One club states "We receive approximately 2 single females requesting to join our club for every 200 single males that request to join our activities...We will not take the time to match up single with singles and have only matched up a few couples with 2 singles in the past seven years!". Others disagree that this experience is generally true among swingers . A female member of one club points out, ""Where we are, single females are a dime a dozen, but a decent single male is next to impossible to find. ... We as a couple would actually prefer a single male for our next encounter. ... More often than not, I see the single females approaching the couples, and not the other way around. ... I've had to turn down several aggressive single females who were quite frankly TOO forward about wanting to play with a couple." (TheSwingersForum.com)
Some oppose the involvement of any singles of any gender in swinging due to fear that they tend to split existing couples while some swingers personal ad sites encourage couples to connect with single swingers.
Dogging
Dogging is a British euphemism for having sex (usually unprotected) in a public place, typically a park. The people involved often do not know each other. Frequently, there are more than two participants; sometimes gangbangs occur. Observers are encouraged, thus making dogging a form of exhibitionism.
Health officials fear that sexual promiscuity due to dogging is leading to rising instances of sexually transmitted diseases.
In September 2003, the BBC reported on the new dogging craze. They cited the Internet and text messaging as very common ways of organising meetings.
Another definition of Dogging, which is still closely related, is the act of spying on people having sex in a car or public place. This can become habitual, and some people even start clubs, earning points for how many different people they can view.
Etymology
According to author Jane White, "the term originates from the practice of men using imaginary dogs as an excuse for hanging around in the bushes."
Other sources relate that the name originated through the fact that most "dogging" initially happened in dog walking locales.
Cuckold
A cuckold is a man with an unfaithful wife. There are connotations of helplessness and humiliation attributed to the word: implications that the husband is helpless to stop her infidelity, and too cowardly to leave the wife. "Cuckold" appears in older texts as a highly insulting and pejorative term.
Cuckolds are sometimes written of as "wearing the horns of a cuckold" or just "wearing the horns". This goes back to an unsubstantiated reference to a tradition in villages of unknown European location where the community gathers to collectively humiliate a man whose wife gives birth to a child recognizably not his own. This is said to have been a parade where the hapless husband is forced to wear antlers on his head as a symbol of his wife’s infidelity. Whether this actually happened or not is irrelevant to the phrase, which survived. In Italy and Spain, "horns" are a metaphor for suffering the infidelity of a partner, not limited to husbands in modern usage. The gesture of the horned hand () can be used to insult the cuckold; the Italian translation, cornuto literally means horned (This sometimes causes confusion in Italians who are learning English and encounter the word horny). The Spanish word for a consenting cuckold, cabron, has such an offensive nuance that it is a taboo word rarely used with its original meaning, "he-goat". However, according to the tone and the relation to the addressed, it can be even laudatory.
The history of the word is thought to be related to the Cuckoo bird, who is known to put its eggs in another bird's nest. Some think that this points to another hallmark of the cuckold—the raising of a child that is not his own.
The Chinese term for this translates as "wearing a green hat".
Recent usage
The term has made a resurgence in the late 20th century amongst non-monogamous couples with a dominant female allowed to take on additional partners, and a submissive male who is not. This might be regarded as a subculture within the swinging subculture itself. This differs from the original definition in that these men are voluntarily "cuckolded" by their wives, as part of the husband's sexual fantasy of gaining sexual pleasure from being humiliated by his wife—indeed, the husband may even be the instigator of this practice, raising questions about who is truly the dominant and who the truly submissive partner. This is a common theme in letters to pornographic magazines. It is unclear how common this phenomenon is in real life as opposed to fantasy.
Open Marriage
An open marriage is a marriage where both parties agree that they are permitted the right to have sexual relationships outside the marriage, without regarding this as sexual infidelity. Open marriage can be regarded as a half-way state between traditional marriage and free love. However, the idiosyncrasies of each open marriage are defined by the individuals involved. There is no one set of rules or boundaries for an open marriage; each marriage is unique in defining what works for that couple, at that given time. Also, the rules are subject to change over time as each person and their relationships grow. This change is necessary to adapt to new circumstances that arise. Many therapists familiar with this kind of relationship advocate the idea that the key to any relationship, especially an open marriage, is honest and open communication between all parties involved.
People in an open marriage may or may not perceive themselves as swingers . In general swingers conceive of open marriages as a separate lifestyle.
The practice of extra-marital sex is often illegal in jurisdictions where adultery is illegal, regardless of whether the partner(s) have given their consent. Open marriage is not the same thing as polygamy, where sexual relationships are kept entirely within the parties to the marriage.
The concept can be applied to non-marriage relationships; in such circumstances it is known as an open relationship.
Famous people who had open marriages include:
swingers and the lifestyle in film and entertainment
The random partner swapping "key party" depicted in Ang Lee's film The Ice Storm (adapted from the novel by Rick Moody) has been reported by someone who attended such parties in the midwest (Indiana) in the 1950's. "Key parties", according to this source, were small (3 to 12) couple events where everyone knew everyone else, so all combinations of partners were pleased to spend an evening with each other.
Another movie that talks about Swinging and its effects on the lives of a married couple with kids who seek some sexual adventures is Zebra Lounge.
Another movie involving swinging is The Blood Oranges, in which two western couples, one with children, come together in the fictional Mediterranean village of Ilyria. The film was adapted from the novel by John Hawkes.
Another novel that features swinging is John Irving's The 158-Pound Marriage, in which two New England college professors and their wives enter a m?nage ? quatre with disastrous consequences.
The movie Eating Raoul is a great comic send-up of swinging stereotypes.
The lifestyle was also the setting for a recent episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, a popular TV drama depicting forensic investigations. Episode #97, "Swap Meet", is about the investigation of the murder of a woman who had attended a "swinging party". Some of the key rules of the lifestyle are presented during the episode.
The music video for "Beautiful," by Moby, revolves around a swinger party.
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